June 29
God is so faithful!
Just when I thought I was off the radar, something popped up. I was
reading the book Led by Faith by Immaculée
Ilibagiza which is about her experiences after the 1994 Rwandan genocide. When I got to the portion about her meeting
with an old boyfriend she had prior to the killings. Struggling to rebuild
their relationship, he said that he wished that Immaculée
had died, so that he could be in control of his future; how he felt and what
his future would be. This was stunning to Immaculée and it was also to me. She
questioned “How could someone who claimed to love me, which I were dead?” This statement struck me to the core as I realized
that I had also had similar thoughts.
For me it wasn’t exactly wishing
that they would die, but imagining what life would be like if they were gone out
of my life. And in my imagination the
only way for that to happen would be if they were to die. In this imagination, I would have the freedom
to live without commitments or responsibilities. This was exactly what Immaculée’s boyfriend
was imagining.
As I thought about this it made me
feel ashamed, that finally the evil thoughts had been exposed. Even though I was aware of these thoughts all
along they were in a hidden place in my heart. I felt like they were secrets. It
never dawned on me that God would care or even know about them. I was in denial that I had done anything “wrong”.
This idea that I would have greater
freedom and fewer responsibilities was a lie from the pit of hell. Even if that person was “gone” I would simply
be exchanging one problem for another.
But more importantly, in this habit, I was wishing harm to someone God
loves. God was showing me that I was literally cursing his creation.
For me to be thinking these thoughts
I realized that I was in pain and that only God could help me escape the pain I
was experiencing. As I have written in other articles, many time
in my life I have felt “out of control”.
Here again, I was wishing harm to another so that I could gain control
over my life.
What a pack of lies! What have I
been a slave to all these years? I began
to realize that I am a hypocrite, to myself, my loved ones and to God. Though these thoughts and behaviors I have
been cursing myself all these years, The
pain that I have been struggling with is self induced. God can not and will not bless those who
curse His creation. He cannot bless me because I am not in agreement with Him.
For over a year God has been
revealing this problem to me though the teaching of Kerry Kirkwood and his book
The Power of Blessing
The Power of Blessing is more than an encouragement to
bless. It shows you many ways you can be a blessing to those around you.
Blessings are not just about materialism, blessings are more about a lifestyle
that changes environments and conditions among families, churches, communities,
and even small businesses and large corporations. This book describes a lifestyle of blessing
others. “Blessing causes changes in the hearts of those we bless as well as
ourselves. … Blessing from the perspective of the Creator of the Universe, is
creative and restorative. We can plainly see from the Scriptures that our Heavenly
Father is the redemptive God who delights in bringing things back into His
divine order” (The
Power of Blessing)
This is completely in agreement with the Scriptures, “Do not
repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this
you were called so that you may inherit a blessing” (1 Peter 3:9 NIV). And in church we
have been studying 1 Peter 1:22-2:3 My prayer has been just that I would rid myself of
all malice and all deceit, hypocrisy.
That I would be purified by
obeying the truth so that you have sincere love for each other.
Now I can see that I have been fighting an uphill battle and
that until I let go of the habit of thinking and speaking evil about others
(those whom God has created), I will never accomplish spiritual maturity.
Now the work begins, but with the help of the Holy Spirit as
my guide and counselor, I can do all things through Christ Who strengthens me.
Thank you God.
More to come stay tuned!
